Coping with the terminal illness of a parent is one of the most difficult experiences a teen can encounter. While a parent’s illness is an enormous burden on all members of the family, it can weigh heaviest on children who depend on parents for their physical survival and emotional well-being (1). Each family member will have his or her own coping style or way of accepting what is happening. However, there are some things that everyone can do to help ease the pain during this time.
To understand your parent’s condition, it’s important to have an open line of communication with the other parent, another family member, or an adult you trust. Being aware of your parent’s diagnosis, course of treatment, and the expected changes in their health and your daily routine will help you to feel more prepared and to adapt better as changes occur. For many teens, it helps to ask questions and discuss their feelings. This type of communication is an ongoing process, not a one-time event (2). Research has shown that when faced with a complex, traumatic situation like a parent’s illness, if an adolescent’s questions are not answered, or information is left out, these information gaps tend to be filled in with his or her own guesses or speculations (3). Communicating openly can counteract the negative effects of being left alone with one’s fears and fantasies (4). Remember to be kind to yourself: try not to get angry at yourself or your loved ones if you don’t understand something. It is okay to ask the same question multiple times, or to ask more detailed questions, until you have a better understanding of what is happening.
Try to find activities that you and your ailing parent can enjoy together. For example, try playing a favorite board game, doing homework together, or anything else that your parent can easily manage (5). Time spent together will become sweet memories for you in the future (6) and will benefit both you and your parent. If your parent is feeling too ill to interact with you, this doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t want to spend time with you; your parent just may be physically unable (7). If this is the case, it’s important to respect your parent’s feelings while you attempt alternative modes of communication (8). For example, it may be helpful to bring small gifts, write your parent notes (9), or shower them with hugs and affection.
It’s equally important to make an effort to spend time with your healthy parent, which can help reduce depression or anxiety (10). When family communication is either avoided or inadequate, the risk of those unfavorable outcomes can be increased (11). Spending quality time with your parent and the rest of your family can ease the burden and provide a helpful support system as each of you copes.
If your ill parent is hospitalized, don’t be afraid to visit. It may be difficult to see your mom or dad in a vulnerable position, but the quality time spent together will benefit you and your parent greatly. Remember your parent is not feeling his or her best. Before visiting the hospital, plan details of the visit with your healthy parent. Agree upon who will be going with you and how long you plan to stay. Studies have shown that if the parent, child, and hospital staff are prepared for such a visit, the experience is remembered in a positive way (12).
It is natural for you to want to be depended on and trusted to help out during this time. But just as it is important to spend time helping to care for your parent and engaged with other members of your family, it is also important to take breaks from the situation. Because adolescents are naturally in a stage of their lives when they are separating from their parents and trying to develop their own identities, finding the right balance between time spent with a sick parent and in other aspects of their lives can seem challenging (13). However, it is still important to maintain a life separate from the family situation by doing things such as exercising or playing sports, creating art or writing in a journal, spending time with friends (14), or just remembering to try to have fun. It may also be helpful to join a support group whose members share a similar situation.
Each person will cope with the terminal illness of a parent differently. Some suggestions may be more helpful than others as you try to find what works best for you. You should remember one thing no matter how you choose to cope: Your parent is sick due to reasons beyond your control. There is nothing that you can do to prevent, predict, or change what will happen. However, you can control the amount of time you spend with your parent and create positive memories that will remain with you forever.
References
5, 6, 13, 14 American Cancer Society. (2006). Helping children when a family member has cancer: Dealing with a parent’s terminal illness. Retrieved August 8, 2007, from http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_6x_Children_with_Cancer_in_the_Family_Dealing_with_a_Parents_Terminal_Illness.asp.
2, 8, 9, 12 Christ, Grace H., & Christ, Adolph E. (2006). Current approaches to helping children cope with a parent’s terminal illness CA Cancer J Clin, 56: 197-212.
10, 11 Raveis, V., Siegel, K., & Karus, D. (1999). Children’s psychological distress following the death of a parent. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 28(2), 165-180.
3, 4 Romer, G., Barkmann, C., Schulte-Markwort, M., et al. (2002). Children of somatically ill parents: a methodological review. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 7(1), 17-38.
1, 7 Saldinger, A., Cain, A., Porterfield, K., & Lohnes, K. (2004). Facilitating attachment between school-aged children and a dying parent. Death Studies, 28, 914-940.